Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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