my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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