sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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