i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize