how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
