her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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