I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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