On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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