I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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