bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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