why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
