Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
