you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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