Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
