My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
