saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
