I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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