My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
