i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
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