Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
