so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
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