so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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