I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
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