I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
