i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
