exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Im part way to drunk.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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