2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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