dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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