You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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