Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
