Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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