i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
