Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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