OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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