3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Someone came in the potted fern
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
