K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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