1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
