Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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