I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
