My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
