The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize
