You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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