I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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