Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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