That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
