Nicole vs. Life
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
