Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize