I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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