margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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