What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Randomize
