Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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