you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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