so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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