I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
