Your mouth is God's brothel.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize