i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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