My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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