you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
