I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
