We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
