so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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