would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Randomize
