They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
