I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Randomize
