It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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