Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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