I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
