i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
