i think my mom watched the whole time
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize