I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Damn victory sex feels great
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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