I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize