Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
