My sheets look like a crime scene.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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